solas_ion: (that we could not win)
Lancer || Cu Chulainn ([personal profile] solas_ion) wrote2016-03-19 06:58 pm

☘ 062; [video]

Hey. You.

[Leaning his head on one hand with a bored look on his face, Lancer pointed lazily at the Pokegear's camera with the other.]

Yeah, you. If you're listening to this, I wanna hear about what kinda legends and stories your world has. I'm bored out of my damn mind and could use somethin' interesting to talk about.
aufsassig: obligatory natural redhead speculation goes here (HUMOR ★ or maybe i'm born with it)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 01:46 am (UTC)(link)
So there's this asshole and he's got a shitload of kids, right? Like a dozen kids. Just kids coming out his ears, I guess, so don't ask me why he kept having more, but hell, he did.

So up pops the thirteenth kid and he needs a godfather for him, so he picks up the kid and goes out onto the street looking because I dunno, apparently that's what you do when you're the lead guy in a story like this.

So wouldn't you know it, there's God on the road, because that makes sense, and He offers to be this kid's godfather, but the kid's dad goes, "Not a chance, You give to the rich and let the poor starve, so I don't want You as this kid's godfather".

Bet you can't see where this is going.
aufsassig: monetarily I'm pretty much set, actually (DEVIL ★ i'm only bankrupt in morality)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 01:58 am (UTC)(link)
Well, kid still ain't got a godfather, so the guy keeps walking. Next up he runs across the devil, who also wants to be this kid's godfather for some reason. Hell if I know what's so special about this kid, but you know, stories.

But the dad shoots the devil down too, even though the guy's promising this kid a pretty rich deal, if you ask me. But no, apparently the devil's a bad godfather for some reason, so the dad shoos him off and keeps on walking.

Pretty soon he runs across Death. Like, actual Death, except a guy. And when the dad finds out he just met Death on the actual road walking around like he's about to ask for directions to the nearest burger joint, he doesn't shit his pants like you'd think he would — no, he hits the guy up to be his kid's godfather. Why? Because "Death is fair to everyone". Go fucking figure.
aufsassig: and i'm not even a vampire, shit (GLOW ★ wow i'm ridiculously pretty)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 02:05 am (UTC)(link)
Fuck if I know, maybe it was Taco Tuesday?

[...]

You know what, yeah, that's it. This shit takes place on a Tuesday, and here's our poor bastard hero stuck at home trying to get his kids hooked up with godfathers instead of getting to go to Taco Tuesday like everybody else.
aufsassig: preferably parcheesi but i will settle for go fish (PREDATORY ★ i want to play a game)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
Hahaha, how great would that be, though? Godson, I have come for youuuuu...TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Wait, shit, nah, it'd be even better than that, wouldn't it? Congratulations, godkid, you've escaped me another year! Chuckles, back-slapping, the whole nine yards.
aufsassig: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES (CONTENT ★ blah blah minds like honey)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe he wore one of those giant-ass foam fingers Americans always have at their sporting events?
aufsassig: preferably parcheesi but i will settle for go fish (PREDATORY ★ i want to play a game)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 02:29 am (UTC)(link)
Nah, it's even better than that. The kid grows up to be a doctor, because I sure as hell want Death's surrogate kid telling me I need my tonsils out.

But anyway, Death says that because he's a decent guy and he wants his kid to make it big in life, he'll help the kid become a great doctor and gives him some plant that just cures everything, apparently. But he says okay, here's how this works, when you're treating somebody, I'll show up and stand either at their head or their feet, and if I'm at their head, give 'em the plant and they'll recover, but if I'm at their feet, then they're just fucked and you have to tell everybody that no doctor in the world's gonna be able to save them.

So that's the schtick, and for a while it's great, right up until it isn't so great anymore.
aufsassig: or go shopping. shopping is also an option (TAUNT ★ get in loser let's kill people)

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[personal profile] aufsassig 2016-03-20 02:48 am (UTC)(link)
No, get this, the kid decides to call Death's bluff. He's going along doing fine, doling out his yeas and nays, and then one day the king gets sick. Kid shows up, there's Death by his feet, and the kid's like, "shit, man, if I save this guy then the king of a whole land's gonna owe me a favor, this is too good to pass up."

So he picks up this sick bastard's entire body and flips him around a hundred and eighty degrees, so now Death's at his head instead of his feet, and he shoves the plant in the king's mouth and wham-bang-boom, he's cured.

What the hell, right?