☘ 050; [dated 9/1 through 9/3]

[solas_ion]

[DAY ONE; video]

[The only reason the video came on at all was due to the fact that Lancer's Pokegear was being shaken; when the image came into focus viewers would be greeted by DEAR ARCEUS WHY right in their face. Upon realizing the device wasn't going to dispense food, the fluffy creature with the million-yard stare dropped it. At a crooked angle, one could see the disaster scene on the streets of Goldenrod; a few more of the gray catlike Pokemon were going through a backpack of supplies, one hanging out of said bag halfway and another chewing on a Pokeball.]

[And a little beyond that was Lancer, trying to drag himself out from under a large pile of confused Espurrs.]

[DAY TWO; action]

[Okay. So yesterday was weird. He'd really just meant to walk to the department store for supplies and to restock the Breeding Center's kitchen, but apparently the weather (such as it was) didn't really permit that. That was fine, he'd seen weirder. That kind of thing couldn't happen two days in a row, right?]

[Closing the front door behind him, Lancer started walking down the street whistling to himself. So he lived somewhere that occasionally rained demonic cats. Whatever. It really wasn't that ba--]

[It was just around that point in Cu Chulainn's train of thought when he was struck in the face by a flying poodle.]

[DAY THREE; video/action]

[It had taken him three days, several bruises, some minor lacerations, and a lot of bandages, but Lancer made it to the Goldenrod department store. Enough was enough, and on his way back home, he decided to figure out just what was going on around here.]

[He turned on the Pokegear himself this time, video focusing on a slightly battered and annoyed Lancer with bandages wrapped around his head. He opened his mouth to say something-]

[--and that's when the Skiddo stampede came through and ran him over.]



...just kill me once and for all.

Comments

[aufsassig]

[RUDE, ASSHOLE. Them's fighting words, anyway, and getting up while it's trying to peck away at your flesh is really an inconvenience in terms of that whole succeeding at flesh-pecking thing.

NOW, DO YOU:

1) FLAIL AROUND LIKE A MORON AND RISK HITTING THIS BIRD

2) RUN AWAY LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL FROM A...what is actually apparently a two-foot high crow, good lord...AND RISK SHAMING THE NAME OF ULSTER FOREVERMORE

3) TAKE A THIRD OPTION (please specify)]

[solas_ion]

[>FLAIL LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT]

Get the hell off me!

[aufsassig]

[You have chosen to FLAIL LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

This is an excellent decision, as somewhere amidst the flailing, Lancer actually ends up giving the thing a resounding whack to the beak, which in turn sends it sailing through the air a few feet away to screech to a feathery halt on the ground.

...

Of course, now it's starting to look pissed.

THIS WAS MAYBE NOT SO EXCELLENT OF A DECISION...]

[solas_ion]

....oh, fuck me with Caladbolg.

[LANCER YOU HAVE AT LEAST FOUR LEVEL 100 POKEMON WITH YOU]

[aufsassig]

[YouInDangerNow.mp3

IT'S PUFFING UP ITS FEATHERS

THE FIRES OF POKEMON DIABLO ARE BURNING IN ITS BEADY EYES

YOU HAVE APPROXIMATELY TWO SECONDS BEFORE ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

WHAT DO YOU DO]

[solas_ion]

[ENGAGE GETTHEFUCKOUT.EXE]

[RUN FOR IT]

[aufsassig]

[TOO LATE YOU'RE DOOMED

Hell proceeds to break loose in the form of this utterly batshit little (well, semi-little) bundle of black feathers and terrordeath launching itself like a furious avian bullet directly at Lancer's face, talons swept forward and screeching horrorcries bellowing from its tiny beak.

congratulations, lancer

your life is now a game of ANGRY BIRD(s) ]

[solas_ion]

GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFGETOFF--

[FRANTIC FLAILING ROUND 2]

[aufsassig]

[HELLMURDER IS HERE AND IT HAS FOUND LANCER'S FACE

but fortunately, this is also the point when Schuldig finally puts in his appearance, on his way to the Goldenrod Game Corner with an actual fucking soda in his hand and the straw in his mouth, and apparently the sight of a random guy (with fantastic fashion sense, actually, that shirt though) being assaulted by a ragefurious bird is worth stopping and observing for.]

Hey, is that thing yours?

[...Worth asking...]

[solas_ion]

NO, STOP STARING AND FUCKING HELP ME OVER HERE!

[WHY THIS]

[aufsassig]

Well, shit, I was just asking —

[Look, man, sometimes people just...have personal struggles with their assfurious birds, he's not one to get in the middle of it unless explicitly asked also his pain is hilarious.

Okay, let's see — he can't get any sort of mental read off the thing, so it's probably at least part Dark-type. Shit. What does he have that can hit a Dar—

...

He has a shotgun fish.

OH, HELL YES.

And so without further ado, out comes Flinte the Remoraid, and Lancer can consider himself lucky that Schuldig is actually bothering to use Lock-On so he doesn't miss as he takes aim and fires an Aurora Beam at the little bastard.]

[solas_ion]

[It was a very good thing that no one else in Goldenrod or even Johto in general knew ancient Gaelic, because they'd be hearing some decidedly not child-friendly terms mixed with the usual common English-language ones--'useless fucking chicken' among the latter.]

[That was accompanied by a few more colorful phrases when an Aurora Beam goes rainbow-ing a few inches past his face.]

[aufsassig]

[Well, fortunately, the shotgun fish does not in fact miss its mark, and fortunately Aurora Beam is actually type-effective against the little helldemon, so Lancer is temporarily freed of its menacing talons!

...Meanwhile, almost absentmindedly, Schuldig pulls out a Pokeball and tosses it at the downed thing, less because he actually wants it and more just because it's an easy way of ensuring the damn thing won't get back up again.

SWEET CATCH! The day is saved, and Lancer has been freed of his agony.

...

for now.]

[solas_ion]

Did you seriously just catch that, do you want to die or something.

[aufsassig]

What? It's not attacking your face anymore, is it?

You could try saying "thank-you", you know.

[solas_ion]

Yeah, consider 'get rid of that or you're gonna be cursed' my official way of thanking you.

[aufsassig]

Cursed? By what, it's just a little bird.

[...]

A kind of moderately-sized bird.

[solas_ion]

Why does nobody but me get that ravens and crows are bad news? When did that suddenly stop being a thing?

[lancer do you have a concussion.]

[aufsassig]

...The hell do you think it's going to do, feast on your entrails or something?

Okay, well actually, maybe this one would but that's a little stereotypical, don't you think?

[solas_ion]

It's a harbinger of death and despair.

[aufsassig]

Yeah, and gingers bring bad luck when they cast their shadow on you.

You want me to back away, or?

[solas_ion]

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[no wonder the irish have terrible luck.]

Don't come by giving me shit when that thing screws up your life, kid.

[aufsassig]

Who're you calling a kid, asshole?

[UH-OH...]

[solas_ion]

The dumbass kid I'm lookin' at, who else?

[The first sign of any friendship with Lancer was almost always 'get into a fight'.]

[aufsassig]

I think the only dumbass here is the one losing his shit over a damn bird.

[If that's the case then we are clearly going to be destined besties by the time this is through.]